Imagine if I had a choice of two parties I could go to.
The first is the “normal” type of party where a group of friends and strangers meet, the host provides a comfortable environment, adequate food and drink and does some basic introductions to make sure everyone knows each other’s name, leaving what happens next to nature. In the article linked to below, it is aptly nicknamed “the corporate get-together.”
Second is a party where the host goes an extra mile to create the conditions where all the guests, even strangers, can start to feel safe about opening up and sharing their vulnerabilities. That safe environment means that the host makes clear that there will be no tolerance towards any ridicule, judgement or disrespectful remarks towards anybody’s sharing plus ensuring that the rule is firmly followed. In this environment, the guests “can start to feel safe about being sad and desperate together” as mentioned in the article below. In addition, the host and guests do their best to provide understanding and empathy towards any difficult sharings and maybe even provide guidance. This is the psychological zone in which real connections can unfold and the healing benefits of social interaction manifest.
To emphasize, I’m stealing from this article at the schooloflife.com “Firstly, true sociability – that is a real connection between two people – is almost never built up via anything cheerful. It is the result of making ourselves vulnerable before another person, by revealing something that is broken, lost, confused, lonely and in pain within us. We build genuine connections when we dare to exchange thoughts that might leave us open to humiliation and judgement; we make real friends through sharing in an uncensored and frank way a little of the agony and confusion of being alive.
Secondly, true sociability requires a context. We are generally under such pressure to appear normal, self-possessed and solid, we are understandably uninclined spontaneously to disclose our true selves. Our default mode is – without anything sinister being meant by this – to lie about who we are and what is really going on in our lives. This suggests that a genuinely social occasion might be rather different from what we typically envisage. We think of a ‘good host’ as someone who makes sure there is enough wine and, at a pinch, ensures people know each other’s names. But in the profound sense, a good host is someone who creates the conditions in which strangers can start to feel safe about being sad and desperate together.”
To further quote from the article, “We need help in networking, not in order to find new investment opportunities but so as to identify shared regrets, humiliations and feelings of despair.”
This second party mentioned is I suppose fictitious but is a good description of what a support group is. To underscore the urge to have these kinds of deeper connections than what is normal, I would like to mention a small trend called “brieing” where old ladies in parties mix a drug now known to promote increasing sociability and emotional openness (MDMA) with brie cheese at parties. This has long been the function of alcohol at most parties I suspect.
In conclusion, a support group is a safe environment where difficult feelings and emotional problems can be shared and discussed without fears of rejection or shame. I wish there were more about, and for all people, as most support groups are run by mental health bodies to deal with serious mental issues. My belief is that anyone can benefit from one. In an increasingly broken emotional world, there surely is a need for more than the alternative “corporate get-together” parties that dominate the scene.
My thanks to Alain de Botton for the article that inspired me to write this...
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